An Ashley Story

Ashley will be sealed to us on Saturday and I have been wanting to document some of the whirlwind that was her birth. Here are a few of the powerful experiences (shortened) that went on during that time. (This was actually from a email I sent to our sealer - my mother's cousin - so he could have some background info about us.)

I wanted to write and tell you a few things about our experiences with Ashley before we see you on Saturday.

First of all, Ashley’s middle name is Denne (pronounced Dean) in honor of my deceased mother-in-law Byrdenne Johnson (who played the organ at the MTC for many, many years). Byrdenne told me several times while she was alive that I was not to name any of my daughters Byrdenne, so to honor both her wishes and her memory, we chose her middle name as a form of Byrdenne. It keeps Scott’s mother close in our hearts. We love it!

Second, getting Ashley to our family was a fairly difficult process, both on our end and on her birthmother’s end. There were many prayers offered, many tears shed, and much love given.

Throughout the process there were two very powerful spiritual experiences that I would like to share with you.

The first connects to my first daughter Isabelle Ila who was born 3 months after my Grandma Ila passed away. I had wanted to name my first daughter after Grandma well before she passed away and when Isabelle came along we had that opportunity. But before Isabelle’s birthmother relinquished her rights, she told us she didn’t want her named Ila and apparently it was one of those things that would “make or break” the deal. I was near the end of my rope emotionally and I was having a difficult time wanting to put forth anymore effort and commitment and honestly I missed my Grandma. After a time I knelt and prayed (mostly cried) and then I felt a great peace. The thought entered my mind that my Grandma knew how much I loved her and that my mom knew it as well. The additional thought came that I could raise my daughter to be like my beloved Grandma even if she didn’t carry her name. My heart was calmed and I was able to move forward. Since that time I have felt very close to Grandma and I think of her often.

When I found out about Ashley’s birthmother and found out about her circumstances (which were particularly difficult) my heart broke for her and I felt that she would need all the help and strength she could get. So I asked my family to pray for her and we put her name on several temple prayer rolls. As I prayed I asked the Lord to allow the angels to bear her up, to comfort her and give her strength and that if it was possible that He would allow my dear Grandmothers to be with her (regardless of her decision to keep her baby or place for adoption).

Throughout the next two months until Ashley was in her arms, I again felt very close to both Grandmothers and felt very strongly that what was going on here in my family mattered very much to them.

I feel like the creation of our family and the addition of each child has turned my heart to my “mothers” and their hearts to me.

My second powerful experience came two days before Ashley came home with us. It’s quite a long story so I will just sum up and jump to the end.
At the same time everything was happening with Ashley’s birthmother we found out that we were pregnant – for the first time ever! While I was amazed at the miracle I was very stressed about the possibility of losing Ashley as a result of it. I struggled with a great deal of anxiety and had a hard time being excited about either baby because I couldn’t imagine how everything would work out happily. Scott gave me a blessing which brought me peace and helped me to move forward but we didn’t tell the birthmother about our pregnancy.

After Ashley was born and (theoretically) the day before placement I was led to the conclusion that it was time to tell her and I thought my heart would break. I knew that everything would work out exactly how it was supposed to but I also knew that didn’t necessarily mean she would be ours and I was grieving already for the baby that I was sure I was going to lose by telling the birthmother about the pregnancy. I cried and I felt that I couldn’t possible handle what was happening. But again I felt that peace and I found myself saying, “You can do this…breathe… you can do this. Everything will be okay…you can do this.” Once I was calm I felt so loved and comforted and I knew that I wasn’t alone and that I could in fact, “do this”.
So the word was passed along to the birthmother and after two tearful phone calls between the two of us she realized that placing Ashley in our family was the right thing to do.

Ashley joined our family and one week later I found that I was miscarrying. I was amazed at the timing. Rather than mourning the loss of the pregnancy I rejoiced in the fact that I had been pregnant and that I could hopefully become pregnant again. I snuggled my little one close and thanked Heaven for a courageous birthmother. I saw once again the hand of the Lord in my life as I looked at the perfect timing of everything.
I feel so incredibly thankful for my beautiful family and for the hope that I have that we can add to it in the future.

My miraculous family has given me a glimpse into Heaven that I am so thankful for. They are so integrally tied to my knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father and Savior that I can’t help but thank them daily for the gift that they each are.

Here are just a couple of current pictures of that beautiful girl (Ashley I mean).