Life update 11-18-12

November 18, 2012

I should be 12 weeks pregnant today.  But I’m not.  Wednesday we found there is no heartbeat to our little one.  I wasn’t surprised.  I’ve been worried about this pregnancy since about 6 ½ weeks.  I wasn’t having any symptoms and was worried.  After having my HCG and progesterone tested I was told that both were low and I was put on progesterone shots – which incidentally are a literal pain in the bottom.  After doing shots for nearly three weeks I stopped and was supposed to get tested but I didn’t get tested for about another week.  My progesterone was still low and I went back on the shots.  At week 6 –ish and nearly 8 I had ultrasounds.  Both showed a heart beat.  This week the ultrasound showed there was no heartbeat and the baby was only measuring 8 weeks.  So, it passed away just after the last ultrasound. 

I’m sad but I’m calm, I feel like I was prepared.  I’m disappointed that I have to begin again and I’m uncertain exactly what path we need to take.  I was on my medication for PCOS when I got pregnant but we weren’t consulting with our fertility doctor.  I’m frustrated to feel like we have to go back to the doctor again even though we were able to conceive on our own.  Frustrating.

In two days I am scheduled to have a D&C unless my body realizes the baby is not living and moves things forward on its own.  I wish I wasn't nervous.  It’s ok.  I just am. 

I’ve grieved some.  I’m calm now.  I’ll probably grieve more.  I’m very thankful for my little family.  I’m thankful for four miraculous children. 

Ironically, my dad got hives every time my mom told him she was pregnant (after the first), however I currently have hives for no reason that I can find other than the baby. 

I’m tired. I have a headache.  Tommy napped late and is awake still.  I’m a little discouraged.  However, I have much to be thankful for and as a wise man once told me:  This too shall pass.

I’m thankful to live and learn, to feel joy and pain, to laugh and cry, to love and be loved and to lose those that we love knowing that this life isn’t the end. 

I sang a song today in church.  It is called “Jesus is My Shepherd”.  It is beautiful, simple and sweet. 

Jesus is my Shepherd, I’m his precious lamb.

Tenderly he guides me with a gentle hand.

Calm are waters where he leads.

Green are pastures where he feeds me.

Jesus is my Shepherd.  He loves me.

Jesus is my Shepherd, Jesus knows my name.

For his sheep are numbered; each he loves the same.

If my tiny feet should roam he would seek to bring me home.

Jesus is my Shepherd. He loves me.  He loves me.

I’m very thankful.