November 18, 2012
I should be 12 weeks pregnant today. But I’m not.
Wednesday we found there is no heartbeat to our little one. I wasn’t surprised. I’ve been worried about this pregnancy since
about 6 ½ weeks. I wasn’t having any
symptoms and was worried. After having
my HCG and progesterone tested I was told that both were low and I was put on
progesterone shots – which incidentally are a literal pain in the bottom. After doing shots for nearly three weeks I
stopped and was supposed to get tested but I didn’t get tested for about
another week. My progesterone was still
low and I went back on the shots. At
week 6 –ish and nearly 8 I had ultrasounds.
Both showed a heart beat. This
week the ultrasound showed there was no heartbeat and the baby was only
measuring 8 weeks. So, it passed away
just after the last ultrasound.
I’m sad but I’m calm, I feel like I was prepared. I’m disappointed that I have to
begin again and I’m uncertain exactly what path we need to take. I was on my medication for PCOS when I got
pregnant but we weren’t consulting with our fertility doctor. I’m frustrated to feel like we have to go
back to the doctor again even though we were able to conceive on our own. Frustrating.
In two days I am scheduled to have a D&C unless my body
realizes the baby is not living and moves things forward on its own. I wish I wasn't nervous. It’s ok.
I just am.
I’ve grieved some. I’m
calm now. I’ll probably grieve
more. I’m very thankful for my little
family. I’m thankful for four miraculous
children.
Ironically, my dad got hives every time my mom told him she
was pregnant (after the first), however I currently have hives for no reason
that I can find other than the baby.
I’m tired. I have a headache. Tommy napped late and is awake still. I’m a little discouraged. However, I have much to be thankful for and
as a wise man once told me:
This too shall pass.
I’m thankful to live and learn, to feel joy and pain, to
laugh and cry, to love and be loved and to lose those that we love knowing that
this life isn’t the end.
I sang a song today in church. It is called “Jesus is My Shepherd”. It is beautiful, simple and sweet.
Jesus is my Shepherd, I’m his precious lamb.
Tenderly he guides me with a gentle hand.
Calm are waters where he leads.
Green are pastures where he feeds me.
Jesus is my Shepherd. He loves me.
Jesus is my Shepherd, Jesus knows my name.
For his sheep are numbered; each he loves the same.
If my tiny feet should roam he would seek to bring me home.
Jesus is my Shepherd. He loves me. He loves me.
I’m very thankful.
